OTD

Forty years ago today, I was propositioned for the first time.

Her name was Amber and I met her at a socialist conference in Oberlin, Ohio, on 8 August 1978. I was sixteen and she was twenty-one.

The gathering, organized by the Socialist Workers Party and officially dubbed an "Active Workers and Socialist Educational Conference," ran from the 5th to the 12th and featured a different film nightly in a theater just off the campus. On this night, the featured film was Word Is Out, a documentary about gay liberation. I understand this is now considered a classic.

Just moments after leaving the theater, on a path through a campus park, I saw a group of four young people walking abreast, and I stepped into place next to the one at the left-hand end and said hello to her. Notwithstanding my general anxiety about strangers and especially the opposite sex, she was easy to talk to, and we spent a good bit of time together over the next few days.

On the evening of the 11th, after Amber (who'd been named Janet at birth but didn't like it) had written her Albuquerque address and phone number on my copy of the program book, I commented on the chill in the air as we stepped outside, and she said, "I can make you a lot warmer if we go to my room." Despite suspecting what she meant, I replied that I was sure my room would be warm enough. She answered "That's not what I meant!" and I answered, "Oh, I sort of thought so but I wasn't sure." (Looking back on it, I suppose she probably thought my remark was intended as a come-on. It actually wasn't -- at least, not consciously.)

When we got to the room I was staying in, others were present (eight attendees were sharing it), so Amber went to see if we could get intimate in hers. I waited a long time for her return, but ultimately had to give up on it and didn't see her until the next day. She then explained that there hadn't been privacy in her room either. She also said she hoped she hadn't "come on too strong" considering our age difference, but I hastily assured her that she hadn't. To cover the felt awkwardness, I then added a recent quote from then (and again now) California governor Jerry Brown, that "growth is a part of life," and immediately felt embarrassed for having done so. (For one thing, Brown was and is a capitalist politician; for another, he'd made the statement in connection with a move on his part in support of nuclear power.)

I'll continue this post tomorrow.

8/12:

Over the next few months I fell in love with her, and we stayed in touch for a few years. She didn't remain involved with the socialist movement, however. She complained that socialists "take themselves so seriously." In retrospect, I understand why she said this. While I still consider socialism (meaning common ownership and democratic workers' self-management of the economy) a worthy and important goal, I've come to better appreciate the sectarian and even cultic character of many left groups (as well as political groups of other sorts), including the SWP even then (and it's gotten worse since).

In one phone conversation, Amber told me she'd explored all kinds of groups, including "left-wing"and "right-wing" ones, and didn't know what to believe. Finally, in response to one letter, I received one written by her mother, claiming she had become a born-again Christian. I attempted no further communication for a long time thereafter.

In 2002, as it was starting to get easier to look people up, I did a Web search and learned that Amber's mother had recently died, after suffering from Parkinson's. But I still didn't feel I had a good enough reason to try to contact her again. Then, about a year later, my own mother died, also after suffering from Parkinson's. Doubtless partly in an attempt to help myself cope with this loss, I finally called Amber again.

Unfortunately, although she did remember attending the convention -- mainly, it seems, how long the trip from Albuquerque to Oberlin had been -- she didn't remember me. But she did say that she had for a time been on a medication that often affects memory, so I wasn't too hurt to hear this. I suppose it's likely that she was in her mother's care when I received the letter from the latter, perhaps following some kind of breakdown. In this connection it's worth mentioning that, a year or two after I'd met her, Amber somehow came up in a conversation I had with a guy I met at another socialist convention, who also had met her, and had also experienced her getting "cold feet" as he put it. If this was a pattern, it may have been indicative of some sort of instability.

I was skeptical at the time of her mother's representation that she'd had a conversion, and in this context am even more skeptical. It could also be that her mother really believed this only because she wanted to. When I recently read James Hansen's authorized biography of Neil Armstrong, First Man, I learned that his mother had always insisted that he was devoutly religious, like her, and that only near the very end of her life did she acknowledge that he never had been.

In the same 2003 conversation, Amber told me that she'd converted to Islam and now called herself Zainab. I haven't been in touch with her since.

One odd note to add: the morning after Amber propositioned me -- and I think this was also after our parting conversation -- I was waiting in one of the dorms for the first part of my ride home, watching Saturday morning cartoons on the lounge TV. An episode of "Sylvester and Tweety" opened with a shot of Granny reading a book -- and the title on the book's cover was "Amber." Spooky! When I related this to my mother, she explained that Forever Amber had been a very well known racy novel, and it seems likely Janet renamed herself to project a more exciting image, perhaps even choosing that name because of the book.